Out of the pan... Into the fire...

Halfway into my contract and I'm just wondering if I made the right decision after all.

The hours don't seem to be any better, the job-scope has sadly remained the same and the workload seems almost unbearable now that there isn't a team to support. Red-tape binds me to a mummy-like state and the politics make the White House look like the UN. I kid you not.

I miss my team. I miss good old EG days. I miss the feeling of all for one and one for all. I want it all back!

And smack out the blue, a delicious offer comes in. A job which promises a long ladder of career advancement, which can bring me back to a world where facts, figures and intelligence comes into play. No more mind-numbing hours, but mind-boggling situations which I have come to miss and long for. Yet what holds me back?

The money? It's not great but it's something I can live with for now. The sugar plum dangled before me the last time turned out to be one hell of a sour fruit in any case. Money money money - does it really make the world go round? Sure, I can always do with more but I know that things can only get better. Right? RIGHT?

I would love to be part of a start-up venture and at the end, look back and say that I did all that. I'm just tired of the money in the bank every month while waiting for the start-up to take off. Yet this opportunity is huge and I'm 100% percent sure that it'll be big cos there really isn't any other way for it to go. The people I will work for are huge venture capitalists, money generating warlords and intelligent men whom you only read about in Forbes. It's exciting, its scary, but essentially, it's going to be great.

So I can only deduce that what is holding me back is sheer sentimentality. I'm not sure that I can walk away and not feel that pang of sadness. I'm not sure that I can live with the feeling of guilt and abandonment. I owe almost everything to that one person who has patiently build my career for me and I don't think I'm ready to part ways yet. Not yet. We haven't fulfilled our dreams together. Will we ever get that chance in the future? I don't know.

What I do know is, this feels akin to tearing away a part of myself. It's always going to be left behind. Like I got UHU-glued to a wall and in the process of yanking myself away, I left a bit of me on that wall. In time, I will be but a fragment of the past on that wall. No one will know what that is or where it came from, just an odd lump of something on that wall. I'm not sure that I'm ready to be forgotten, to fade into a shadow of oblivion.
I have not fought the good fight to the end yet. And I'm not satisfied. But I am oh-so-weary already. Things have not turned out the way we dreamt it would be.

Yet the decision is still mine to make and I have to decide by tomorrow. I don't want to be forgotten. I don't want to give up without winning the war. I want to reach the finish line, but it just keeps moving further and further away.

Sentimental fool.

Location: home
Current Condition: confused
Music: highway noise